Existential Crisis of Higher Education

 When the reality of grad school set in I was completely torn, and in a way I never had been before. Torn between two options- so very different in their scope, that choosing one would invariably send me down a path far removed from that of the other . On the one hand I genuinely believed in the premise that further education would only do more to open my options to different lifestyles and careers without "borders". I thought it would expand my chances to pursue professional and personal paths I hadn't even previously knew existed. I told myself that though burdensome in the short term, more education is a means by which MORE of this world would become available to me. That with more specified degrees and fields of knowledge, my position as a candidate for jobs all around the world, would certainly be more competitive than ever. I saw higher education as my ticket to so much more than being a lifelong minion in the low level workforce, constrained to only brief bouts with travel and worldly experience via quick lived vacations. I knew I needed more, and I whole heartily believed that this was a great path to get there.

On the other hand, I had serious doubts about the actual real life execution of this ideal. I was nervous that perhaps the motto, "education opens doors" was all a giant farce. Perhaps it was a convenient tag line, propagated by the Feds, whose money we all borrowed at astronomical interest rates in order to pursue this ideological mirage. Part of me questioned if in reality, higher education was just another means by which we tie ourselves down; graduating debt laden and slaves to obligatory promises we gave to Federal lending intuitions as we sold ourselves in exchange for a degree. Did it all really just close doors to personal or even professional freedom? Would it really be leaving us unavailable to pursue life, hindered by the lackluster commitments we made to a specific path?

And even if another degree did in fact open doors, which doors was it truly opening- ours, or theirs? Perhaps it did in fact open new roads to us, but were those the roads we even foresaw ourselves on? I began to wonder if the "doors" being opened with higher education, were simply leading us down ambiguous hallways, ushering us directly into the world at an exact level of both obligation and complacency, that our only real option would be to submit and fall right in line. It was the typical rat race, and instead of education buying us more freedom to choose a life separate from it, we were being groomed to join the pack. Here we were being shuffled through years and years of degrees and credentials, stacked higher and higher upon themselves.  All  this, just to reach this ideal of ultimate freedom in lifestyle choice, (in which we have ultimate control and power in our paths, a real life without boundaries). We were being advertised the notions of immense freedom, but packaged up in their version of what that was supposed to look like. And it was all being force-fed to us in means which left us bound to the hands of "the man" for life. The very idea that the terms of "freedom" we were pursuing via education, was not even  truly defined by ourselves, negated the idea of it all together. Suddenly, it all seemed a moot point and I questioned how I would be able to move forward in school having reached this eye opening conclusion.

I looked at Mike, at what he had done in his life and the paths he had chosen to take. The experiences he had, people he met, and places he had seen- it was all a montage of life changing memories peppered with immensely meaningful altercations between himself and the universally bonding fabrics of the human experience. Why had I stopped myself from living like that, when I so badly wanted it? Mike had provided himself with a true freedom, devoid of educational backing via a degree. He had jumped fearlessly into life feet first, bypassing all us other fools still locked away in the classroom learning about it. I heard his remark of blunt honesty ringing in my ears; "I don't mean to upset you, but to be brutally honest here it is- If you had been where I've been, you never would have even considered grad school". 

Deep down I knew he was probably 100% right ( it was yet another of our many moments in which I had to admit to myself that this man was capable of reading and knowing me better than I could myself). Pat of me knew I did this to escape the dull boredom and the embarrassing reality that  I was backed into a professional "dead end" and  couldn't see another way out. I knew he was proud of me and as he put in his own words, "could never live with himself" if something he said led me to the decision of postponing or even withdrawing from school. But how could I possibly deny the thoughts he had provoked in my mind? They were thoughts about the real forms of existence. They were about the moments and places in our lives that are bred from rootlessness,curiosity, and above all, a completely unstructured, unplanned, "put your faith in fate" - type of relationship with our time in this world. And now here I was, about to tie myself into the very structured existence that so savagely clashed with the parts of me that screamed for the life of fire and passion and movement that people like Mike had left themselves open to pursue.

For so many reasons, I couldn't help but wonder about school- Was this all a big mistake?